No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
fair
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.