Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
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My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”