me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
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fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.