A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.