If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
i wish we could shoplift online
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
i really liked this one
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”