him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.