Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
You Might Also Like
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Okay me first
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna