[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
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I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
No way!
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Always the camel, never the toe.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes