my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
me, after any kind of buffet.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.