Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Pot warmers of the day.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Hello Twits.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French