Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
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It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.