went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
They’re the worst 😩
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.