If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”