I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay