Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.