I falcon love using swear birds
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.