“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[eulogy]
line?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol