No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
This hospital has everything
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
#Caturday