[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
marvel comics have peaked
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol