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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.