Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
scrabbled eggs
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Storm Tropical Storm
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers