Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
🤣🤣🤣
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.