I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
The answer is funnier than the question
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.