Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks