teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
You Might Also Like
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.