I was up all night reading about insomnia
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
your honor my client chooses dare
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents