My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing