WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
c’mon!
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My teenage children choosing violence
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.