Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.