Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
According to math, I’m broke
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.