I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
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During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
twitter is a journey
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.