guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
B
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*