My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
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your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done