5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
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BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.