[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
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Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
This classic never gets old . . .
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?