Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Pretty certain I can more drunk
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.