This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Nothing to do, you say?
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Mmmm canned fish.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix