kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine