Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
we’re dead?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.