One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
that’s really how it is
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
More like Kate Missington.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care