“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
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What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
They say women only use 10% of their anger
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know