Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them