me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
crochet youtube is brutal
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.