if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
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Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.