If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Whoa 😂
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.