Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!