Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
pls suprot
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“our sushi is very fresh”
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos