Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.