saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
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There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
They’re not wrong
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Potatoes were such a good idea
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.