Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better